♥ Adopt your own little Purrito...available at any local shelter

All Dogs Go to Heaven!

♥ Who's Your BFF?

♥ Pet Diaries

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:

     •     8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
     •     9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
     •     9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
     •     10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
     •     12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
     •     1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
     •     3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
     •     5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
     •     7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
     •     8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
     •     11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are  fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in  order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it  clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously stupid.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .

♥ Pet Rules - Author Unknown

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less

2. Don't ask for money all the time

3. Are easier to train

4. Normally come when called

5. Never ask to drive the car

6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends

7. Don't smoke or drink

8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions

9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.  And finally...

11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

♥ What Happens on Halloween When Pet Parents are Nuts!

♥ Why Dogs Are Better Than Women

• Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).

• Dogs love it when your friends come over.

• Dogs think you sing great.

• A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

• The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you

• Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

• Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

• Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

• Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

• Anyone can get a good-looking dog.

• Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

• A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

• A dog's parents never visit.

• Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

• Dogs like beer.

• No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.

• Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

• Dogs never expect gifts.

• Dogs don't worry about germs.

• Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.

• You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

• Dogs have no use for flowers, cards or jewelry.

• Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

• Dogs never want foot-rubs.

• Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

• Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

♥ Really Dumb Animal Jokes

♥ Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly - "I was artificially inseminated this morning."   "I don't believe you," said Dolly.  "It's true, no bull!" says Daisy.

♥ A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "  "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."  "What! Just because he's cross-eyed?"  "No, because he's really, really heavy"

♥ What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

♥ What do whales like to chew? Blubber gum!

♥ Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says "dam"

♥ Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

♥ Why did the chicken cross the road? To get some eggsercise

♥ Why did the cat love to play on the computer? Because it had a mouse

♥ What do you call a sleepy bull? A bull dozer.

♥ What is a dog's favorite job? A Rufferee

♥ Why did the cow cross the road? To go to the mooooovies!

♥ Why did the gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!

♥ Why are dogs are bad dancers? Because they have two left feet!

♥ What did the sheep say when he took his medicine? This tastes baaaaaaa-d!

♥ The Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.

"Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.

♥ The Storks

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork's parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the crap out of college students!"

♥ Couldn't be More Fitting

♥ Sometimes it's Just Better to be Patient!